David Hans Schmidt a celebrity porn merchant, and, I can honestly say that’s the first I’ve ever heard that term: celebrity porn merchant. I’m tempted to say, “What the hell’s the world coming to?” … but, I already know… and this whole celebrity worship pathological nonsense (as demonstrated by this story) is partially responsible.

Okay, let’s look at this a bit. Let’s really take a bit to take a little look at this.

First, who is Mr. Schmidt? Well, with a cursory glance, here appears to be a condensed life and career bio in Mr. Schmidt’s own words. It seems objective enough.

It begins:

David Hans Schmidt, a so-called hyper-active lad / Ritalin experiment, was born first of twin boys in Rochester, Minnesota, an “arid and sanitized little community” as Garrison Keillor once said, on May 27, 1960, the same birth day as President Nixon’s flack, Henry Kissinger, another great PR man.

Schmidt seems to have a pretty good time with life, and, among his other accomplishments is obtaining nude photographs of Marcia Cross! It’s true. I’d sure like to see those! I hear the carpet does match the curtains lol … let’s put it this way: Marcia Cross has been nicknamed Miss Firecrotch Firecracker… okay, and, for my thicker readers out there (and, I have a few it seems): she’s got red pussy hair!

Okay, now let’s get to the $100 million dollar part… what’s that all about? That’s the amount of money that David Hans Schmidt is offering for the Britney Spears sex tape. That’s the one featuring her and Kevin Federline, which I have no doubt is thoroughly vapid and uninspiring stuff. And, really, the thought does nothing to transform my flaccidity. But, $100 million. Well, I suppose it’s fair to say that Mr. Schmidt will make considerably more money from the tape over the $100 million investment. Of course.

You see, Mr. Schmidt has a pretty good track record that includes some saucy celeb video: including Limp Biskit poseur extraordinaire … really, Mr. Durst, I’m just not that convinced by the tough guy act ya douche. Mr. Schmidt’s oeuvre also includes a Saved By The Bell Dustin Diamond sex tape, which begs, I think, a fairly obvious question: just why the hell would someone in his right mind be interested in seeing Screech fucking? Ah, I got it… it falls into the morbid curiosity category… sort of like the schadenfreude concept (Katie will love that one): basically, a feeling of pleasure (possibly tinged with guilt) at the poor fortune or suffering of another… in the case of Screech’s sex tape: that’d be the poor bitch who’s getting the twinkie!

Where The Britney Sex Tape Gets Interesting

Okay, so, why am I writing about the Britney Spears Kevin Federline sex tape? Because I find it interesting not that Mr. Schmidt is willing to pay $100 million for it…. that’s easy to understand: he will make much more from ownership of it … but, that’s the part that has the most interesting implications:

Why is it that Mr. Schmidt can make so much more than $100 million for having a Britney Spears sex tape?

Now, I don’t mean to appear condescending, but, I like to be methodical. Mr. Schmidt will make much more than $100 million for the sex tape because lots and lots and lots of people are willing to pay to see Britney Spears involved in sexual acts? And, why are lots and lots and lots of people willing to pay to see Britney Spears involved in sexual acts as opposed to seeing a different (and easily better and more beautiful and sexier and more salacious and, no doubt, more libidinous) woman involved in sexual acts? Why?

Would You Pay To See Britney Getting Laid?

Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t pay, but, given the chance to take a peek, I would out of curiosity. But, a lot of people would pay! And, why? See, that’s the question. As indicated, if someone has a lusty hankering for a dose of good-old-fashioned, hip-pumping porn there’s a plethora of it all over the place (and freely available as well) featuring far better looking and sexier participants.

Well, I’m not trying to be cute or amusing. I know the answer. You know the answer. It’s just, initially, hard to understand.

They’re willing to pay because Britney’s a celebrity. Of course. But, Britney Spears has a context. She’s an American celebrity. Which means she’s within the context of our still Puritan-influenced relationship to our genitalia … and, it gets into our uniquely American sexual pathology, which has given birth to such phenomena as the celebrity nip slip fascination.

There’s the constant and paradoxical balancing between over-exposure and concealment. In practical terms, that means, a woman is supposed to show off every bit of her flesh as she possibly can with the exception of five things: asshole, pussy hole, pussy hair, left nipple, right nipple. And, for a man, though, the obsession doesn’t run as deep: he cannot show his cock, cock hair, or asshole. And, of course, the cock cannot be seen entering the vagina.

I Know This All Seems A Little Silly

And, it’s a lot silly! And, when I state it in such a matter-of-fact way it becomes even sillier! But, this is our reality! This is our American relationship to sexuality and our bodies. This is the accepted relationship. This is convention. Those things are the things that are considered taboo.

Now, I’m really nutshelling this, but, I think the point comes across, and, I do agree with Katie on this (and a lot of other things.) You see, when you combine our perverse, Puritan-inspired relationship to our nakedness and sexuality… and you couple that with our pathological obsession and fascination with celebrity culture, it’s an intelligent businessman who’s willing to pay $100 million dollars for a top celebrity’s sex tape. That’s the way it is…

Thanks,
Skippy

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