Well, I see that Katie’s been going off with the end-of-2006 celebrity posts: 2006 Celebrities: Best, Worst, Hero, and Villain; Celebrity Deaths 2006; 2006 Celebrity Broken Hearts: End Of Year Rant: so, I thought it would be appropriate to analyze the cover story of the January 1, 2007 issue of Star Magazine entitled The 50 Most Annoying People of 2006.

These sorts of things are always enjoyable. For example, the cover features the title text (The 50 Most Annoying People of 2006) right in the center, and, it’s accompanied by images of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton holding hands; Tom Cruise waving from a motorcycle, Mel Gibson with a crazed look; Matthew McConaughey (whoever that is) looking quite effeminate in his swimming trunks; Jessica Simpson with her dazzling smile; and, Pamela Anderson with her dazzling bikini tits hanging onto white boy poseur Kid Rock.

(big picture of magazine cover after jump)

All of this suggests the first problem with the Star Magazine story. Namely, although these individuals are, certainly, people; what we’re really talking about is the fifty most annoying celebrities of 2006. Now, that may strike some as a nit picky distinction; but, really… this is a magazine that has writers that, unlike us, get paid a huge amount of money, and, I say they get it right!

Now, the next problem by taking a cursory look at the celebrities selected is that the term annoying doesn’t seem to be the most felicitous word selection either. You see, #4 on the list is Mel Gibson (for his Nazi-tinged rant) and #9 on the list is Rosie O’Donnell (for her racist anti-Chinese Ching Chong routine). Now, where I’m from… “annoying” isn’t the correct word to characterize hateful, racist, anti-Semitic celebrity behavior. You know… the term “annoying” just isn’t strong enough.

So, you see, there are already some pretty clear problems with the Star Magazine cover story. But, just like the recent celebrity hero villain poll (which determined Bush was hero and villain), you know, the people that write this stuff want to come up with a catchy hook that gets the middle-aged white ladies to pull out their pocket books, and, see, The 50 Most Annoying People of 2006 has a much better ring than the more accurate The 50 Celebrities Most Worthy of Criticism of 2006.

But., anyway, let’s take a look at some of their selections and the accompanying analysis. Okay, topping the annoying celebrity list at #1 is (no shocker) Britney Spears. Now, I know that a lot of folks (including Katie and LaTosha) had a very big problem with Britney’s pussy visibility during the end of the year, but, as I’ve said, I think it’s grand. It’s just what our hypocritical violence-obsessed nation needs. Britney Spears’ pussy, no doubt, is ushering in a new weltanschaaung! Katie’s always ranting about how ridiculous our pop culture is in so far as we can see endless amounts of violence, and, that’s perfectly acceptable; yet, we can’t see a nipple. Katie says America has turned the nipple into Satan; and, I think she phrases it like that semi-facetiously, but, her point is well-taken.

So, why should the pussy be verboten? I mean… if we want to really celebrate life as a sacred phenomenon… then, the pussy is the holiest of shrouds. After all, that’s where the miracle of life comes from… In addition, is characterizing Britney’s pantyless partying as annoying really on-target. I know LaTosha was having a fit and using the expression “skank-a-pussy,” and, talking about how she didn’t want her daughter to be influenced by such behavior.

What’s interesting is that Star Magazine also criticizes Britney’s parenting techiniques (driving with her son Sean on her lap.) Well, again, annoying isn’t an accurate term. That type of behavior is irresponsible and reprehensible… anyway… let’s move along…

They’ve got Lindsay Lohan in the #2 spot. Their reasoning is the feuding (Paris and Brandon Davis), the brief sexcapades (Stavros Niarchos III, Harry Morton), and the nutty emails. As for me, I loved the nutty emails, and, I also enjoyed seeing Lindsay show off a huge panty pussy bulge, so, well, she’s not on my annoying list. Besides, she has the potential, as an actress, to truly be another Susan Sarandon.

Okay, Tom Cruise is #5 on the list, and, my only complaint would be that he certainly deserves the #1 idiot … I mean annoying distinction. Now, Mr. Cruise has been endlessly annoying in 2006… The term “annoying” I’d say was made for him. But, I tell you what: his whole asinine Oprah Winfrey couch jumping took place in 2005… I know… but, that was just such incredibly assholish behavior that it’s power even carries over into 2006… actually, the magnificent stupidity behind that Oprah couch dance is so intense it is timeless. It qualifies Tom to be most annoying celebrity of any year.

Watch for yourself the video below of the scientology guru and American intellectual extraordinaire Tom Cruise:

Now, one thing the writers of this site all agree on is that we all find it painful having to watch black Oprah pretend she gives a damn about this white boy playing the fool. So, if Mr. Cruise’s 2005 stupidity wasn’t enough… it doesn’t end there… In 2006 he’s been continuing with his intellectual charade and touting scientology and making a really big deal out of his banal and pathological pseudo-emotional expressions while exposing his child to the ravenous eye of the world paparazzi. You know, I seriously question the general morality of that… So, yeah, Tom Cruise is annoying …. sure…

Jessica Simpson is #3, and, that’s a mistake. Jessica is always entertaining and, you know, she has a good, healthy relationship with her sexuality: she simply loves her tits! And, we love her tits too! And, she manages to pull off the most subtle and classy nip slips! Her nip slips have got a nostalgic Marilyn Monroe quality to them! And, Jessica’s got such a beautiful face… and hair! and, oh what an ass! Jessica, ignore this particular issue of Star Magazine please. You are wonderful.

Jennifer Aniston is prominent on the list, and, that’s fitting. I couldn’t stand that whole uber-pukey Friends show and the whole disgustingly saccharine Wonder bread vibe. Pamela Anderson doesn’t deserve to be on the list. She makes guys happy with her big, beautiful tits and provides wonderful masturbation fantasy material. Rosie O’Donnell: yes, forgetting her Ching Chong routine which went beyond annoying… yes, Rosie is, generally, incredibly annoying. Nicole Richie isn’t annoying. She’s a young woman with problems who needs help. Kevin Federline, yes, he’s annoying as hell. Jennifer Lopez weird ethnic marketing manipulations J Lo Jenny On The Block endless stupidity and confusion: yes, annoying as hell.

Borat seems amusing. Kate Moss: why are they calling her annoying? They mention cocaine usage, but, that doesn’t make a person annoying… does it? They declare Janet Jackson annoying for showing cleavage frequently. Somehow I have a feeling a woman wrote this article.

I mean… if a beautiful woman showing off her tits is annoying, here’s me hoping that 2007 is one hell of an annoying year!

Have fun,
Skippy

Important ideas, concepts, and terms in this post:celebrity, annoying, 2006, celebrities, fame, famous, critical, criticize, Hollywood, pop culture, Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, idiot, scientology, Oprah Winfrey, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Rosie O’Donnell, Nicole Richie, Jennifer Lopez, J Lo, Jenny from the block, Kate Moss, Janet Jackson, nip slip, pussy flash, panties, beauty, stupidity

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