Ha, ha, so, let’s take a look at the National Enquirer cover story Stars With Cellulite. In preparing for this post, I provided an example of the perfect celebrity ass. See, maybe you thought that Lindsay Lohan green bikini shot was gratuitous, but, as you can see, there’s a method!

Okay, so, the National Enquirer is obviously trash best-suited to soaking up cat urine at the bottom of the litter box. True. Yet, an awful lot of folks read it, so, that makes it worthwhile to take a look. So, let’s take a look.

Here’s the cover of the January 15, 2007 issue.

So, this is the main selling point of the issue: stars with cellulite… or, more specifically, simply, celebrities who have some noticeable fat on their asses or thighs.

Now, there are several problems with this starting point.

First, virtually everybody has some fat on their asses and thighs. This isn’t really something out of the ordinary. So, it’s curious to present it as if the National Enquirer is pointing out something unusual. I mean… after all… it’s estimated that some 90 percent of the women in this world have some cellulite.

And, why shouldn’t they? It’s a completely natural thing!

So, we all have some fat beneath the skin, and, it naturally bulges up against the connective tissue beneath the epidermis, and, presto, you have cellulite.

We’re not talking about unicorns here! This is the way the world works. But, ah… another way the world works is through our economic system which greatly profits if people are not happy with themselves. Now, I know I’m beginning to sound a bit like Katie, but, well… she’s right.

Businesses and industries profit incredibly if people (and, women, in particular) are not happy with their thighs, asses, breasts, noses, eyes, etc. etc. And, thus we have rhinoplasty, nip and tucks, so-called breast augmentation, collagen, liposuction, and all types of plastic surgery. So, in this case we’re talking about cellulite, and, what’s interesting about this National Enquirer article is that it shows the level of almost unintentional complicity in our whole socio-economic culture. Which sets up the whole celebrity diet, celebrity exercise routine, etc.

And, the complicity is getting downright pathological.

Why do I say that?

Because, a large part of the complicity is about putting up the “perfect” celebrities and models to drive the mass aesthetic unhappiness. And, of course, it’s only a very small percentage of the population that is born conventionally beautiful (blond, skinny, tall, button nose, etc.) And, here this tabloid’s taking a swipe at the actual beauty standard. And, it’s taking its swipe by setting an ideal that can’t be attained; because, of course, fat is natural and unavoidable. It’s how the body works.

So, on second thought, maybe I should rather praise the National Enquirer for an article like this. It shows us that even the examples that are put forth as perfect (Cindy Crawford, Tara Reid, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Uma Thurman, et al.) are not indeed perfect.

See, my view sort of evolved as I’ve been writing this, and, that’s fine. Writing is often a process of self-discovery.

Okay, so, that having been said, there’s still the problem of the National Enquirer presenting a natural and unavoidable thing (cellulite) as if it’s a flaw!

Furthermore, a lot of guys out there are going to tell you that what the National Enquirer considers a flaw is not a flaw but rather something that gets the cocks jumping good and proper.

For example, the Enquirer featured Nicollette Sheridan as an example of a celebrity with a cellulite fat problem. Here’s their Nicollette picture.

Now, take a look at that picture above. I’ll tell you what: 43 year-old Nicollette should be the dictionary picture next to the MILF acronym! Okay?

I look at Nicollette Sheridan, and, I think to myself, “YUMMY!”
Okay, that’s one FINE looking woman, and, I don’t need the National Enquirer trying to tell me she’s flawed because she’s got some fat on her ass! Okay… asses have naturally got some fat on them. Okay?

I look at Nicollette’s white bikini ass, and, oh, the thoughts that go through my head about Nicollette being on her belly and, Nicollette being on her hands and knees doggy style with that little white bikini around her ankle and me … oh, Lordy Lordy!

Okay, let’s keep examining this article a little bit more. These Enquirer fools try and take a cheap shot at Tara Reid’s ass!

Now, can you believe that! The nerve. Really, this is unbelievable and disturbing. In their caption for Tara they call her “party girl par excellence.” That’s a dumb characterization. Then they mention an alleged “plastic surgery spree” which involved “nip/tucks.” And, they say her little black bikini gave her nowhere to hide. Shit, the girl don’t need nowhere to hide. Take a look at Tara’s ass!

You see that ass above. That’s a thing of beauty. A work of art!

National Enquirer… shove it.

Yours,
Skippy
Important ideas, concepts, and terms in this post:Nicollette Sheridan, Nicollette Sheridans ass, bikini, Tara Reid, Tara Reid’s ass, Desperate Housewives, National Enquirer, cellulite, celebrity, celebrity cellulite, fat, overweight, butt, dimple, thighs, breasts, noses, rhinoplasty, liposuction, plastic surgery, diet, celebrity diet, exercise, weight loss, weight, pounds

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