A Quick (And Quite Opinionated) History Of Hollywood Part 1
David Selznick said,
“Hollywood’s like Egypt. Full of crumbling pyramids. It’ll never come back. It’ll just keep crumbling until finally the wind blows the last studio prop across the sands.”
Well, he said that in 1949. And, sadly, we’re still waiting for Fonzie’s leather jacket to fly. “Aaaaaeeeee! Great meatloaf Mrs. C!”
The Hollywood Pathology
Some people are clever and make subtle points. Well, the world’s in trouble; we’re embroiled in a fantastic pathology, which began in western America and is rapidly spreading across the globe, and, I don’t have time for such finesse. I will examine the origins of Hollywood and all of its resulting evil: divorce, drug fuckheads, racism, anorexia, bulimia, 
alcoholism, pedophilia, plastic surgery, boob jobs silicone leaky, misery, general unhappiness, etc. Later, take a peek at my article How Hollywood Celebrity Heinies Spread Much Unhappiness. If you think I’m overstating the case, I encourage you to fuck off… I mean read on! Just like eliminating a pimple, see, you have to squeeze and dig to the origin of the filthy pore to see the pus’ root. And, so it is with Follywood. In this first essay, we’ll set the necessary groundwork and historical basis. Then, in the rest of this site, we can really have some fun taking a look at the individual satans… I mean celebrities!
Is Hollywood Really That Bad?
So, you’re thinking: “Is Hollywood really that bad?” Well, not originally. You see, just like virtually every lousy thing in the world today, Hollywood, California began as a lovely and divine thing: that is…before that fucking sign got stuck on the hillside. The brilliant Dr. Palmer adds his typically insightful input on the region:
“Hollywood is no exception to the rule that great cities have developed on sites blessed with great natural advantages.
The 34th parallel…wherever it meets the sea we find the most charming and comfortable climate.”
In other words, no surprise, Hollywood’s got some beautiful weather! Leave it to a doctor to use way more words than necessary. But, it is worthwhile to take a quick look at the physical characteristics of this land in respect to the way the universe works. This is a really fundamental root.
The Cahuenga Valley
You see, Hollywood is nestled in what’s called the Cahuenga Valley, and, if it weren’t for this… we might have never considered Marilyn Monroe’s luscious tits, Brittany Spears’ belly button 
or Paris Hilton’s vapid fuck life. Oh, though, if it weren’t Hollywood, it’d be somewhere else. Oh, it’d be somewhere else baby! The universe, it would seem was destined to spurn this evil bastion of pathology somewhere. And, as it stands, the Cahuenga Valley was the key.
See, in the Cahuenga Valley, those big old mountains are positioned to allow sweet ocean breezes while simultaneously providing cover from the stifling desert inferno. And, the Cahuenga Valley, of course, accesses the San Fernando Valley. And, the manner in which that happened! Let’s go back, let’s go back, way back, way back when. I don’t know, the earth couldn’t have been too much more than ten. And, the continents were gooey and vague. And, the earth flopped back on itself to create that gateway which bisects the hills and joins the twin valleys. The Spaniards shouted, “Necessito more bean dip!” I mean, “El Portozuela!” We say Cahuenga. And, some of us say, “God, help us!”
The Hollywood Indians: Chumash
At any rate, the prehistoric period rolled through its millennia in typical fashion with dinosaurs eating each other etc. Come about 7200 B.C., things got a bit more interesting as the Chumash peoples rolled into H-Town on their motorbikes with cigs hanging from their lips. Once again, as we see through all of history, it was a natural resource which facilitated their success.
You see, copious quantities of natural tar was available in its bubbly fashion, and, this allowed our Chumash friends to seal their boats’ wooden planks and even sail out to the Catalina (and other) islands. 
The Chumash set-up happy little villages right along the ocean all the way up and down California. The Chumash had sweet hunting tactics and got off on carving things and weaving baskets. Can you picture it? Can you see how beautiful and peaceful life was here in America prior to the Spanish fuckers fucking everything up?
See, the Chumash partied down Utopia-style from about 7.200 B.C. until 1781 A.D. Sure, a few Chumash got vaporized by an occasional earthquake, but, you know, thing aren’t ever perfect, and, we have to force our minds to understand that the Chumash people are more than just a name. They were complex human beings who were varied individuals, who, just like the rest of us fell in love with each other and enjoyed looking at the moon and telling jokes and lighting their farts. The Chumash were tres cool, and, I’m not talking about that little Green Day assface.
See, the Chumash settled about thirty villages sprinkled in our present day Los Angeles County, and, what I wonder… you know what I wonder? I wonder if drunko Mel Gibson, when careening whiskey-style on his familiar LA streets… does Gibson consider, between anti-Jew exclamations, 
that, although he claims he owns Hollywood, that, our dear Chumash did once actually own Hollywood.
The Chumash’s capital was lovingly referred to by them as Yang-na. And, guess what… it’s now downtown Los Angeles. That’s right… right now, where a saucy, silicone-titted beauty with a sweet apple ass beneath a $675 skirt with the sexy white $47 thong sliding up her crack… right on the sidewalk where 
this blonde bitch is now staring in a shop window at a Gucci bag… that’s right… right there, 3741 years ago, Xiottgo, an old-as-hell Chumash senior citizen, first farted dust, then pooped out a big log, before falling over into a delightful stupor of a nap. Now, notice the blonde’s nostrils just crinkled as she was exiting the boutique with the Gucci bag around her arm… you think she was smelling smog Hollywood-style? Afraid not. In an intangible fashion she was catching a draft of Xiottgo’s doodie which he dropped many years back in his beloved Yang-na.
Later that afternoon, in search of sweet potatoes, Xiottgo ventured to another favorite spot, Co-Yang-Na, which you now know as Hollywood proper. Xiottgo, much to our amusement, cracked a fart in the same square foot of terrain where Jennifer Aniston, some 7,000 years later, would slip some silent-but-deadly gas while in the midst of a juicy public kiss with Brad Pitt. Now Brad really knows why he got light-headed that night in Co-Yang-Na. I mean Hollywood!
After his enjoyable fart, Xiottgo farted again and then jogged off to a sacred council area called Moco-Yang-Na… also known as the Fern Dell section of Griffith Park. There, Xiottgo farted again before sprinting to Ca-Oug_na, which is our current Outpost Drive at the northern end of Sycamore Avenue. There Xiottgo accidentally defecated in his loin cloth while dreaming about his sweetheart, Xiottga: who was happily farting beyond the northern hills in lovely Pa-Seg-Na (San Fernando Valley).
Xiottgo was way in love with the fair Xiottga; thus he had to boost his energy for his journey to the Pa-Seg-Na San Fernando valley. So, he ate white oak acorns and wild plums and killed a rabbit, while admiring an old coyote; of course, Xiottga wouldn’t kill and eat such a coyote, which his people believed were connected to the spiritual realm. Likewise, Xiottga would never harm a bear, which they associated with divinity.
Now, if you’re dumb, which traditionally has been a characteristic of most of my readers; you’ll no doubt be wondering why I included such “strange” details… to which I say, “You, friend, are fucking boring.” Just kidding. The idea that I want to communicate (and, this is important!) is that the Chumash, like so many indigenous tribes, were deep, beautiful, and brilliant.
And, it’s no small irony that a large part of the reason why I stand here pissing in the wind; a large part of the reason why we, as a culture, associate these native Americans with a primitive, one-dimensional sort of existence is because of this very same Hollywood and all of the misleading depictions of tribal people and Africans et. al they’ve put forth in their movies and television.
Continue: Hollywood History Part 2
Technorati Tags: David Selznick, Hollywood, celebrity, pathology, Fonzie, bulimia, Cahuenga Valley, Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Hollywood Indians, Chumash, Mel Gibson, history
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